some excerpts from the unauthorized, unpublished and almost entirely fictional biography of Fatuis Fortuna

For your consideration here are some excerpts from the unauthorized, unpublished and almost entirely fictional biography of Fatuis Fortuna.

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Circa 2006

It was late fall in Raleigh. I had been back from the business in Detroit for about a month. Things were relatively quiet.

Random had departed on “other business”, whatever the hell that was. I didn’t bother asking. Random’s silence was never without reason. Both of us knew well that we couldn’t be forced to testify about things we didn’t know. There have been times in the past when I had deliberately kept him out of the loop as it were, for what I felt was his best interests.

When I got the coded email from d_r_e_proctor I got a little concerned. Random is a gadget freak, he loves hi tech shit. He had set up what he called his emergency mutant signal a couple of years ago. Any mobile phone he carried was rigged with the ability to send a text message with that id and enough space for a few words.
Random is not nearly as funny as he thinks he is. He told me the d_r_e part of the account name stood for DRE (digital rectal exam) and the proctor part he meant to be short for proctologist. If I remember correctly this was around the time he had been seeing a medical student at Duke.

The message was his mutant short hand for “I’m about to take it in the ass”. The message read “slick square it to mechai grill sea black balls24 spook”

It didn’t take long after I had consulted the search engine to know I needed to catch the next flight to Thailand.


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Talista sat in one of my recliners smoking a Newport and sipping some Grand Mariner while I checked my two carryon bags to make sure I hadn’t forgotten to include or remove anything.

As sloppy as they still are, this was definitely one time I didn’t need to be worrying about airport security stumbling across something in my gear. I almost missed the polymer knife I usually traveled with. I hated to part with it, but Random’s message had been clear enough.

“So tell me again why you dashin off to where?” she asked me in her honey over ice tone of voice

“Thailand, Random says he could use some help.” I replied as I looked at the knife and reluctantly set it aside next to my spare lock pick set.

“He tell you what he needs help with?” I didn’t need to turn around to feel her watching me with her beautiful brown eyes.

“Not exactly, no.”

“Mmm hmmm but we know it ain’t good.”

“What makes you say that?” was out of my mouth before I could catch it.

After a few minutes of silence from behind me, I turned around with my patented get-out-of-jail smile which I knew she wasn’t buying for a second. I held her gaze for a moment or two “obvious as hell am I?” and laughed as fell into the other recliner.

Talista snorted and exhaled the smoke she had been holding.

I took a sip of her drink, held it in my mouth and slowly let it burn down the back of my throat.

“Basically, what I know is that Random was or is in Thailand, he’s in some sort of a jam. I should come legally and lawfully and assuming I’m being watched. I’m to meet an old frien when I get there and I will get more information from him.”

Taking her drink back from me, Talista said,” If he said all that, why couldn’t he just say it all?”

I paused for moment, considering how best to explain. “I didn’t exactly talk with him.”

She smiled a smile I always thought could launch or sink a thousand ships, “What was it then, he sent you a message in a bottle?”

“No, it was just a text message.” I said, getting back up and walking into the kitchen to fix myself a Tanquary and Seven-up. I returned with my drink and sat back down.

“So…” Talista prompted.

“So, what?” I dodged, taking a sip, delicious. Leave it to a preacher’s kid to come up with some hooch like this. May the gods smile on you Charlie T.

“Anything else I should know?”

“Sadly, at the moment, you know everything I know.”

“What time your flight leave?’ she asked.

“Right about oh-my-god in the morning.” I said taking a deeper drag from my drink. “Gordo and Chupa are taking me to the airport.”

“You’re not asking me to come along.” She was being clear, not asking a question.

“I was sort of keeping you in reserve, since this already feels like a blind cluster fuck.”

“You make me fly all that way you best believe I’m going to kick your ass after I pull it out of whatever fire you’ve stuck it in.”

Uncle George would be proud of my display of respect for feminine logic as I sat there with my drink not saying a mumbling word.

*******************

Roughly 48 hours later, give or take 12 for the date line, I am drinking water freshly poured from a plastic bottle as I admire the environment. A very nice restaurant looking out on Hu-Gwang Bay; which according to the resort literature, is one of Pattaya’s most beautiful and reclusive beaches.

Ocean views, private Jacuzzis, next to a golf course and minutes away from down town Pattaya and all of the distractions I had heard it held.

I’m not exactly what you would call a resort type of guy. I did however appreciate the fact that the place provided financial support for the one of the biggest charity outfits in Thailand. Money spent at the resort goes to help fund rural development, environmental protection, and education programs including HIV/AIDS programs. Hence the name; Cabbages and Condoms.


The fact that Random had worded his message in code had more to do with shorthand than security. He would have been trying to get me as much information as possible with only a handful of words.

The message had read, "slick square it to mechai grill sea black balls24 spooky." Slick square it was easy enough. A "slick" is military slang for an unarmed aircraft, "square" meant honest. So fly legal and lawful, not the way I prefer.

I didn’t know what "mechai" meant until I ran the search and found the reference to Mechai Viravaidya, a Thai Senator and activist who had been doing great things on behalf of the people for years. One of the many things Viravaidya was known for was getting condoms into the Kingdom and being proactive to HIV/AIDS. Included in the search results were references to the Condoms and Cabbages restaurants in Bangkok and Pattaya.

The word "grill" after mechai could point to the restaurant. It could also be a warning about watching or being watched. If you were "all up on some one’s grill" you were watching them. Random knows it's second nature for me to watch where ever I am. So it was likely he was warning me I might be watched. By whom?

The next bit seas black could mean the Cabbages and Condoms resort in Pattaya, which was close to the ocean. I thought some more about seas black. An old friend, Jonnie Black, had retired to Thailand.

What the hell was the balls24? Then it hit me; the” balls to four” was Navy slang for the midnight to four am watch. Meet Jonnie Black at midnight at Cabbages and Condoms?
I looked at the globe on my desk and did the time conversion. Pattaya is 12 hours away from Raleigh, so midnight in Raleigh was noon in Pattaya. Meeting Jonnie Black between noon and 4 seemed more likely.

The last part of the message was spook. More navy slang, the term spook was used in reference to someone who worked in intelligence.

Meet Jonnie Black at Cabbages and Condoms in Pattaya between noon and 4 and get more information.

I shook my head; I wasn’t sure who was more crazy; Random for coming up with that message or me for understanding it. Of course that was assuming that I had figured it out correctly. It would be a hell of a goose chase if I was wrong.

I was brought out of my thoughts by a familiar voice with a slight residual Boston accent. “Fortuna, you old chicken raper, how the hell are you?”

I looked up, sure enough, it was Jonnie Black.